A Year of Learning

So, I didn't do a great job keeping up with this blog, but I decided to write one last post to wrap it up.  I left His Mansion on June 11th, so I've been home for a few weeks.  It's really good to be home and have time to relax and be with family and friends.  In some ways it feels completely normal to be home, almost like I was never gone.  But there are times when I do miss everyone at HM a lot.  When a staff person's commitment comes to an end, we have what's called a cake day.  We eat cake, someone makes a speech on my behalf, then I make a speech reflecting on my time on the hill.  This was the first speech I wrote, but I ended up re-writing it in bullet points.  So my speech was a little more detailed and in depth, but this was the basic idea of it.

"Like just about everyone who steps foot on this hill, I came to His Mansion knowing I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  Feeling very young and inadequate, I clung to the Lord, trusting that he knows what he’s doing, because I had no idea and still don’t.  Words can’t describe all he has taught me this past year.  My eyes have been open to many, many things.  Being placed in a leadership position over people older than me, God taught me that age doesn’t define our potential.  Supervising the canning room during the busiest time of the season, I learned that it’s okay to ask others for help.  Coming from a very loving, Christian home, I doubted how well I could help others who’s stories I can’t relate to.  But opening myself up to others and allowing myself to feel pain and hurt, I realized I don’t have to have the same life story as someone else in order to relate on an emotional and spiritual level.  The Lord uses different people and situations to teach us all the same thing: we need to continually give everything up to him.  Lord has slowly revealed to me more and more just how sinful, selfish, needy and weak I really am.  Through different experiences this year I’ve been surprised by my own selfish desires and how much I want things that aren’t the Lord.  And I know this is only the beginning of the long journey of walking with him.

This year has been sad.  It’s been a year full of loss and goodbyes.  But through that God has showed me his faithfulness and how important it is to choose hope, for myself and for others.  And also how important it is to enjoy and make the most of the time I have with the people who are around me.  I’ve made a lot of friends who I wish could be here today but aren’t.  But I am so incredibly thankful for those of you who are.  Its through the people here the Lord has revealed himself to me.  The honesty and openness we have is a precious gift that I’ve never experienced before.  I have a lot of people to thank who have been there for me, challenged me, encouraged me, and loved me well."

I definitely did learn a lot this past year, and sometimes the learning process was painful.  But this past year was so worth it.  I can't put to words all that the Lord has taught me and how he has grown me.  It was a huge blessing to be part of the healing process in the lives of others.  I would not have been able to do any of this on my own, all the credit goes to him.  It's incredible to see what the Lord can do in someone's life when they say yes to him.

A Glimpse of My Life

So it's been three months since I last updated my blog, and it feels like so much has happened since then.  I can make excuses about how busy life is here and how I feel like I have hardly any free time.  When the free time does come, I want to spend it with other people, building relationships with the other staff members, spending time with God in prayer and reading my bible, doing everything I don't have time to do during the week like laundry and cleaning my room, and just taking time to rest and breathe.  But I know that's not an excuse to neglect relationships outside of His Mansion, and it's still a learning process for me to balance relationships here and back home.  But for those of you who are interested in what's going on in my life, here's a glimpse of the past three months.

In August I became the supervisor of the canning room, where we process all the vegetables grown on the hill.  So every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I worked in there and when the men brought in the vegetables I was in charge of overseeing them be washed and cut and blanched and packaged and frozen or canned or whatever needed to happen.  I had no idea what I was doing, so I just did what I was told and what the instructions said.  Some days I worked by myself, some days I had fifteen workers in there.  Every day was different and some weeks were a lot more hectic than others, but I learned more than just how to process different types of vegetables.  I learned to be patient under time pressure, how to teach others in a helpful way, and how to manage what felt like ten different things all going on at once.

In October I went back to PA for the weekend and visited my family in Hills Creek State Park, where we go every year.  Spending time with them was extremely refreshing and much needed.  Since coming to His Mansion, I'm realizing more and more what relationships are and how much my relationships back home can be so much deeper and stronger than they have been.  It's definitely going to be a process, but during that weekend I opened up in ways I never have with my family, and I'm excited to see these relationships grow.  It's incredible what God can do when I let go and give everything to Him: all my fears, insecurities, and desires, and invite others into them.

I've said this so many times in the past couple weeks:  I feel like in the past five months I've lived five years of my life.  I've experienced so much since I've been here, and I could talk all day about it.  I look forward to sharing stories and experiences with everyone, and if my computer wasn't about to die I could write pages and pages.

Here are a few pictures from the hill.  I'm sorry for the randomness/bad writing of this blog post.  If I had the time I would go back and re-write it to make it perfect, but like I said earlier there just isn't time.  I know as long as I give you guys a glimpse of my life, it doesn't need to be dressed up and presented perfectly.

Blessed Be Your Name

"You give and take away.

You give and take away.

My heart will choose to say,

‘Lord blessed be your name.’"

The thing about living in a very spiritual, demanding, and emotionally draining community is that people leave.  All the time.  This was one of the biggest surprises to me, and one of hardest things I’ve faced.  Residents drop out of the program and mentors are asked to leave or decide God is calling them elsewhere.  It feels like someone has left every week since I’ve gotten here.  This leaves me feeling hopeless; I wonder if it’s even worth it.  If so many residents leave the program, is it really worth my time being here?  How can we ask each other to be completely honest and vulnerable if the person you’re talking to today might be gone tomorrow?  So many questions, fears, worries, and doubts fill my mind.  But the words from the song Blessed Be Your Name keep coming back to my head.  God has blessed me by bringing so many wonderful people into my life, and he has also blessed me by taking people out of my life.  Instead of becoming bitter and angry, I’m learning to praise him through this.  I’m also learning how to grieve losses, instead of allowing myself to become numb.  Every time I see someone leave His Mansion, it hurts, and it feels like its getting harder and harder to see people go.  At the same time, though, it’s getting easier for me to trust God and praise him, being thankful for the people who are still here.  I also need to remind myself that God is not only working at His Mansion.  He is working everywhere.  When people leave, God goes with them.  Just because someone left His Mansion doesn’t mean they won’t receive the healing or love they would have if they stayed.  The best thing I can do, instead of dwelling on the fact that people are leaving, is pour myself into the people who are still here, remembering that even when things don’t make sense whatsoever, God is still working.

Learning to Love

One of the many things I’m learning right now is how to love.  Not just the kind of love where you do nice things for someone, or say encouraging words, or listen attentively.  I’m learning how to actually love, even when it’s hard and even when it hurts.  God has been showing me how selfish I am; how my motives and actions almost always point back to myself.  I want people to like me.  I REALLY want people to like me.  My actions and words often are said and done in order to please others for my own benefit instead of pleasing God for their benefit and his glory.  But actually loving others means being willing to say things people don’t want to hear.  It means being willing to be disliked or even hated by others if that’s what happens when you speak truth to them.  It’s hard to give up my own desires and need for approval in order to help others, especially when I don’t see positive outcomes right away.  But my job isn’t about me at all.  It’s about pointing others to Christ.  If by doing that I have to give up my desire for approval and love, I will do it to the best of my ability.  This is a lesson I just started learning, and have to re-learn every day.  But it is a blessing that God is guiding me through it.

Two Weeks of Forever

Looking back to the day I arrived, it's hard to believe I've only been here for two weeks and two days.  So much has happened since I've got here, I've met and grown closer to many people, I've already seen God working in tremendous ways, and I've learned a lot about myself.  His Mansion is all about relationships and openness, so the people here are very welcoming and honest about themselves.  I can tell some of them are going to become some of my best friends.  But along with the all the positive aspects, I know there will be many challenges and I will face my share of struggles as well.

For everyone who wants to know what I’ve been doing since I got here, here’s a brief summary of my schedule.  The first week I was here I took the HCC course (Healing in the Context of Community) which is required for all mentors to take some time while they’re here.  It’s also open to anyone else who wants to come for a week just to take the course.  We covered topics about the history of His Mansion, the process of healing, the importance of community, self exploration, mental health disorders, addictions and recovery, and spiritual warfare.  Halfway through the week we made a Genogram, which is a picture of the relationships in our lives and a timeline of events in our lives until now.  We then shared them with several other people, including all the happy moments as well as the ones that were hard to share.  I learned a lot about myself and my relationships and shared some things that weren’t easy to talk about.  The classes ended on Friday, and that evening I started doing things as a mentor.

The weekend schedule is pretty relaxed, on Saturday mornings we have work crew (usually cleaning something, sometimes organizing or sorting, whatever needs to be done).  After lunch is free time and the mentors hang out with the residents and do whatever they want to do, like take a walk or play volleyball or hang out in the dorm.  Saturday evening is family night, so the men and the women are together and we play some sort of game (last week it was a scavenger hunt, so much fun!).  Sunday morning we have church, which is a very powerful service which includes taking communion, a time of silence, a time of sharing, confessions, and of course singing and a sermon.  Sunday afternoons are also free time for the residents.  Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are work days so we work in the mornings and afternoons, and in the evenings there are different things going on depending on the day of week.  Tuesday and Thursday are class days, so the mentors have free time Tuesday morning.  In the afternoon we sit in on their group class, and Thursday morning the mentors work, and in the afternoon have mentor class.

I could write about so many things right now.  As I said earlier, I’ve already learned so many things and seen so much happen, so its hard to decide what to say and what not to.  Hopefully this gives a better picture of what my life looks like here.  I will continue to post updates on how I’m doing and what I’m learning and what’s going on here.

Thank you for all your prayers and support!

My Weakness and God's Strength

“Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things -- and the things that are not -- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.  It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God -- that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.”  ~ 1 Corinthians 1:26-30

As I heard God’s call and considered serving at His Mansion, I sometimes questioned myself: my knowledge, strengths, and abilities.  I wondered how I could possibly handle the situations I would be facing this coming year.  The longest I’ve ever been away from home is two weeks, I’m only eighteen years old, and I have no experience with the issues these residents are facing.  Why would God think I’m capable of this?  But I know it’s not about my knowledge, strengths, and abilities.  It’s about letting go, giving God control, and allowing Him to work through me.  Only then will I succeed.  Like the verse above says, by human standards the Corinthians weren’t wise, influential, or of noble birth.  But God took their foolishness, weaknesses, and lowliness and turned them into something extraordinary.

Yesterday I arrived at His Mansion, and so far I’ve had a lot of free time to settle in and learn the rules.  Things are a little overwhelming right now, but I know as time goes on it’ll get easier and more clear.  On Sunday I start a week long training course that will help prepare me for my time here.  After that, I’ll start my duties as a mentor.  I’m excited to share my experiences this coming year and I hope you’re just as excited to hear about them!